Always Ariel

Funky & Fabulous

Laughing Out Loud

Recently I discovered the Sheriff’s Log in The Clemmons Courier.  A writer could not produce material as funny as some of the entries.   I have never considered any type of crime a laughing matter, but I found plenty to laugh about on those logs.  Actually, I am thinking about performing a comedy routine based on the “crimes” that are reported. Here are a few of my favorites along with my commentary in italics.

Police service, civil dispute in Clemmons, having a disagreement over  TV.  I can visualize the argument starting. You know I want to watch  Hell’s Kitchen.  That’s a stupid show.  Besides you don’t even cook. I want to watch Hoarders. Why watch that show when you can walk in your bedroom and see it in action. Now shut up and turn the television to Hell’s Kitchen.  You shut up and get out of here. I am watching Hoarders and that’s that. I’m calling the Sheriff! Go ahead they won’t come out for something like this. Half an hour later…Sir I am sorry but according to North Carolina law married couples must share television time.

Domestic disturbance in Lewisville, brother and sister arguing over tomatoes.  Now this is one of my favorites. What could they possibly be arguing about?  Hey Sis, I grew that big tomato over there. No you did not!  That’s mine and I plan to make a BLT with it.  I was going to enter that one in the Dixie Classic Fair. No you won’t big brother because I am eating that one today. Go pick another tomato and enter it. You never win anyway.  I’m calling the law, I’m calling the law.

Disturbance, Lewisville, individuals had an argument over the wrong girl.  That’s my girlfriend you are talking to.  What’s wrong with you dude? This is my girlfriend.  No, it’s not! I am going to beat the crap out of you if you don’t stop talking to her.  Dude, you need to quit smoking all that weed. This is not your girlfriend.  Law enforcement arrives. What is your girlfriends name, sir? Miss, we need to see your DL.  Sir this is not the name on her driver’s license.  Whoops!

Harassment, Clemmons, subject says she is being harassed by neighbors, but don’t know their names. Hey officers some people over there yell things at me when I go to check my mail.  I don’t know what they are saying or who they are, but I think this is harassment.  

Trouble with juvenile in Lewisville, juvenile cursing and out of control.  Where is that law about cursing? Out of control doing what?

Obtaining money by false pretense in Clemmons parking lot. Subject paid cash for a computer but was given an empty bag by person. Did you not look in the bag before you handed over the money? What kind of bag looked like it had something in it but was empty? Who would buy a computer without turning it on and checking it out? I am thinking they were buying something other than a computer. We all know what kind of transactions take place with bags or should I say baggies?

Domestic disturbance in Pfafftown, argument between father and son over punishment.  You broke your curfew and I am taking your iPad. I can’t live without my iPad and you will not take it. Give it to me now son.  You can take it over my dead body.  Son I brought you into this world and I can just as easily take you out.

Woman found aluminum boat on her property. Most people have things stolen, not added to there property. Maybe someone thought she needed a new boat. In reality, they were probably high and thought they were parking it at home.

Shoplifting at Walgreens, unknown suspect attempted to take a can of  ravioli.  I am thinking that this person must have been hungry. I know  it’s wrong to steal, but really call law enforcement over a can of ravioli?

Domestic disturbance in Pfafftown, husband and wife arguing about husband cheating.  I am going to kill you for going out with that woman. I knew you weren’t Mall Walking all of those mornings.  Honey, she is just a friend. You know she has been lonely since Fred passed. If I had known she was over at Hanes Mall walking with you every morning, I would have put on my track shoes and chased her around that Mall until she found someone else’s husband. Be quiet, Honey, someone is going to call the law.

Simple assault in Clemmons, offender threw household objects, striking victim. Items included a trash can, closet door, exterior door, two chairs, and two barstools. Who was this offender? The Incredible Hulk. Now this must have been one angry person. I think that if I were the victim, after having a closet door thrown at me or a barstool, I would be running like the wind.

Clemmons, someone calling repeatedly and hanging up. Simple solution, don’t anwser the phone. 

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